Introduction
One of my recent blogs I authored, “Fostering a Child’s Independence: Drawing the Line in the Sand”, discussed the psychosocial developmental stages of life. As I previously mentioned in this blog, Erick Erickson, a developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, dedicated most of his life studying, understanding, and developing this model of development. As a refresher, the following is a basic synopsis of how he viewed human development:
- Hope: Basic Trust vs. Mistrust – Infants, Birth to 12-18 months
- Will: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt – Toddlers, 18 months to 3 years
- Purpose: Initiative vs. Guilt – Preschool, 3 to 6 years
- Competence: Industry vs. Inferiority – Childhood, 6 to 12 years
- Fidelity: Identity vs. Role Confusion – Adolescence, 12 to 18 years
- Love: Intimacy vs. Isolation – Young Adults, 19 to 40 years
- Care: Generativity vs. Stagnation – Middle Adulthood, 40 to 65 years
- Wisdom: Ego Integrity vs. Despair (Seniors, 65 years and onward)
As stated earlier, Erickson made it very clear that a healthily developing human being confronts and masters these developmental stages. Each stage builds on the successful completion of earlier stages. If a milestone is not reached, the child’s development can be stunted resulting in future problems. Wouldn’t it make sense, then, that the earliest stage of development, Basic Trust vs. Mistrust, is the most critical to allow a child to start off on the right foot? The topic of this blog posting is maximizing our potential to effectively parent during this phase of development. Please remember that one cannot generalize this information to children who struggle with autism, aspergers syndrome, or other congenital and existing developmental problems affecting neurological processing.
Trust vs. Mistrust
So, all psychobabble aside, let’s chat about the concept of hope and tie it into trust and mistrust. Maybe I’ll throw out a famous “Matt Barkdull” example to make things a little interesting and put things into context. Why do some of you get up every morning, shower, shave (if applicable), hop in the car, and wade through traffic jams to get to work? Well, from past experience, I would imagine that you’ve developed some measure of trust in your job, boss, etc. that the sacrifice you render and the work performed will literally pay off in the form of a benefit of some kind (e.g. paycheck, benefits, earning power, social status, satisfaction, etc.) In other words, you have trust that your needs will be taken care of.
Let’s take this example and generalize it to infants and toddlers. There is no difference between their need for dependability, consistency, and trust as that of adults. The only difference is the nature of these needs. As an adult may need and trust to be monetarily solvent, an infant needs to trust that his or her cues will be appropriately acknowledged and satisfied. Infants and toddlers use everything from visual to verbal cues to engage, communicate, and relay messages of discomfort, hunger, happiness, tiredness, and desire for social stimulus. When these needs are met, their perception of the world is one of safety, security, and dependability. In other words, the child’s hope of care is satisfied.
Let’s take the same example, now, and twist it. Yes, you spend the time making the sacrifice to get up early in the morning, shower, shave, and wade through the rat race to work. The only difference, now, is you are going to a job that has always been unpredictable from the beginning. Capital that is earmarked for paychecks has been used to pay utility and other overhead costs. Although management has promised to right the situation, you cannot trust their promises as other serious problems have never been satisfactorily addressed or rectified. One day when you go into the office, the inevitable “company memo” is in yours and everybody else’s inbox announcing layoffs will be coming in the next several weeks. Not surprised but furious, you throw in the towel and stop trying. In fact the entire workforce’s morale is low, work productivity tanks, and initiative dwindles to nothing.
Once again, let’s now apply this scenario to children. In a growing number of households across the world, small children wake up in the morning without trusting their diaper will be changed, their cries will be acknowledged, and any form of security will exist. Some cannot expect their parents or any parental figure will be at home at all or trust that they can expect any nourishment throughout the day. Like our previous example of working in an environment of low morale, unpredictability, and unreliability, what do you think children do who cannot trust? Simply put, they stop trying! The environment and the world around them is nothing to explore or take in as it’s now a dangerous, unsecure place. They begin to see their parents as nothing more than another person and stop cueing that they are uncomfortable, hungry, or in need of affection. They go into survival mode and do the best they can on their own. We shouldn’t be surprised, then, when these children begin acting “irrational”, “disturbed”, or labeled a “hoodlum” or a “troubled maker”. Can any of us honestly say that we would do any better if we were raised in such circumstances?
I admit that the example I use seems extreme but, unfortunately, it is all too common. This is a sad and unfortunate reality when children are neglected, abused, and exposed to an environment that is chaotic and unpredictable. Even children who lack proper nourishment in third world, war-stricken nations still fare better developmentally if they have a mother and/or father who provide love, attention, and meet their emotional needs. This is kind of a sobering concept when considering the critical need to promote our children’s psychosocial development.
Developing a Trusting Environment
So, I think it’s fair to say that we are all in agreement that the first stage of Erickson’s developmental model is a critical milestone for our children to master. One doesn’t need a Ph.D. to figure out where this should all begin. It’s in the family unit. I’ve recently come across great descriptions of the family. It’s the bedrock of society, a keystone of civilization, and the benchmark of the morality of a people. If the family crumbles, so our society crumbles along with it. The bedrock is not friends, government or the educational system. It’s the family!
Social and family scientists are well aware that children develop best in families with both loving and nurturing fathers and mothers (note the adjectives I’m emphasizing here). The scientific literature is saturated with this fact. Sometimes, however, death, divorce, and other circumstances cause a single parent or grandparents to raise children. Does this dynamic doom children to certain developmental destruction? Absolutely not! More work and challenges, perhaps? Sure. How could it be otherwise? But let me, again, emphasize the adjectives of loving and nurturing. We do the very best we can in whatever circumstance we find ourselves in and, surprisingly, we still reap a harvest. Let’s now go into a few specifics.
Trusting Yourself First
The late Dr. Spock once said to parents: “Trust yourself. You know more than you think.” I’d like to extend that same advice. If you find yourself worrying about being a good parent, you’re already half-way there. The mere fact that you are thinking about the way you’re parenting, how it impacts your family, or if your parenting might need some tune-ups here and there says a lot about you. It doesn’t take June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver to parent effectively. Nobody’s perfect, but almost all parents (notably mothers) have a knack at instinctually understanding and responding to the needs of their children. This is natural, so I highly recommend you trust yourself and, for the love of Pete, don’t compare yourself to others. You are probably doing just fine!
Sweeping Your Environment
This suggestion doesn’t have to do with house cleaning. Think of it this way—any time a famous person, dignitary, political, or religious figure shows up at a venue, security teams have usually “swept” the location hours or even days before the scheduled event. Why? Well, they want to make certain the environment is safe for that person and the other attendees. There can be plenty of people who hold a grudge that might take out their animosity on that person, endangering him or her plus all the others in the same environment.
Parents need to “sweep” their environment as well. Consider the following and the accompanying question:
- I’m in a bad mood and I’m afraid I’m going to take it out on my kids. The fact that I’m in a bad mood is not their fault. It was that person who cut me off. What can I do to make sure my mood won’t influence them?
- My husband did it again! He was too busy watching football and let the dinner burn to a crisp. I’m so furious at him. This is the second chance I’ve given him and look what he does! I want to rip his head to shreds. But, how can I scream at him with our kids right here?
- I can’t believe my children colored on the walls just weeks after I painted over the last mess! Why don’t they listen to me? Who am I that they keep ignoring me? I’m so furious that I’m sure I’m going to say something I’ll later regret!
These mental dialogues are examples of sweeping. The following are the steps to properly sweep and reduce the risk of danger:
- First, you recognize how you’re feeling based upon some negative event. It’s okay to feel angry, upset, and exasperated. I’d be worried if you didn’t feel these emotions when something goes wrong.
- Second, you assess your environment including those present.
- Third, based on your environmental assessment, you begin questioning how you should react to the stressor.
- Finally, you act to remove the danger.
What does sweeping have to do with raising children in a trusting environment? Well, answer me this—if you got in a traffic accident, would you get out of the car and punch a passerby in the face? Sounds kind of silly doesn’t it. But how many of us “take out” our frustrations on what I call “innocent bystanders”. How much do our children take the brunt of our frustrations and stressors? Your children need to trust that they won’t be blindsided by something that wasn’t their fault to begin with! That’s the problem when parents begin drinking excessively. Their senses of judgment and reason are impaired and they may lash out on their children. Even if the child is at some fault, children need discipline but don’t need to be castigated with hurtful words and actions. This ruins trust and promotes insecurity. Sweeping is all about recognition, assessment, questioning, and action.
Establishing Rituals
This recommendation is one of my favorites that I share with parents. Growing up, do you remember any rituals that took place either on a daily basis or during certain parts of the week? How about rituals that took place following a little league baseball game—victory or defeat, it didn’t matter—when everyone piled in the van and went out for ice cream. Many common rituals revolve around bedtime when stories are read, games are played, or some other expected action took place. Establishing rituals creates a wonderful pattern of not only expectancy but also consistency. Children grow accustomed to and come to trust feeling the security that rituals bring.
Rituals can start very simply by just acting. Trust yourself. Base the rituals on what your children enjoy. Do your children like to go on walks, ride bikes, read stories, play games? As the expert on your children, have fun and make these rituals enjoyable. Believe me, you’ll have fun too.
Do you have any comments or ideas how to raise children in a trusting environment? Share your thoughts and ideas with me!
